The Life

I look around and see people simply living their lives. They wake up each day, eat food, drink coffee, go to work, go shopping, raise kids, clean their houses, talk with friends, drive around in their cars... they live. I'd like to think that these things are all good, but I rather find them mundane and repetitive and somewhat empty. And I don't mean any disrespect to those people.  It's just that I find that I do all of that stuff and still find a deeper longing for something more. Something more motivating, something captivating, something to move me. And I can't think of a time that I haven't felt distant and tired from things in this life. It's like life is a set of pre-set movements that are routine and methodical. It's as though my life has been a set of decisions that were made because they were the things to do.

My hope is that this desire for more has some stake in being pure and essential. As though its a part of my humanity. I feel like these unsettled feelings are part of who I am and who I was meant to be. That there should be more to life. That we should not be simply settled into life's comforts. That we should be desiring more out of ourselves. And that life is not meant to serve our needs only. For instance, when I left college I remember feeling torn between two worlds: a college world that had allowed me to learn and grow, and that told me I could change the world ("change the culture, change the world"), and a real world that came with rent, car payments, health insurance, and having to find and keep a job. And in my quest for a job and being able to make ends meet, one of those worlds has slowly won out in my life. The real world has slowly taken over my desires to change the world. Looking back I think that I have tried to draw purpose and identity from the real world. This however, has been a mistake.

I have allowed a job to speak for me. A house to speak for me. What I drive to speak for me. Income to speak for me. Where I live to speak for me. A job to speak for me. A retirement plan to speak for me. Stuff to speak for me. Education to speak for me. How the house and yard looks to speak for me. Life's routine to speak for me. In part, I have sold out; or lost focus. I have allowed these things to speak for my life, when it should be me who speaks for me. My voice is my own and I think that I have forgotten who I am, whose I am, and who I was meant to be. And I'd like to think that I am much more than the routine I keep, the job I have, and the things I own.

Rather, I'd like to think that my love for others says something about me. That how I take care of my wife and kids and family and friends and strangers says something about me. That what I pray about says something about me. That my faith in God says something about me. That my ability to learn, repent, apologize, and accept my own weaknessness says something about me. That God is in control of this planet and my life says more about my life that I even understand. Ultimately, that being a child of God, a child of the King, speaks for me and calls me to something both amazing and frightening.

I still think that my purpose here is much more that I even understand and that I am destined for more than the day to day routine comforts. Jokingly, I have an ongoing struggle against society in becoming an old man who hand-waters his lawn in the middle of the day. Boring!!! Mostly, my aversion is in becoming mundane and simply losing the vitality and mission of life. That we have a greater purpose to carry than being normal and settling in. This year I turned 30 and when I look at the life of Jesus Christ and that he started his ministry at age 30, I get anxious. I yearn for more than a typical common life. I think of John the Baptist who preached, baptized, and paved the way for the Lord. I think of Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Billie Graham, Desmond Tutu, my professors, my pastors, and others who are living out a life that is focused and lived with Godly purposes. I desire to know that kind of vision. I desire to find my heart again and live life with vision, mission, emotion, and a deep love for God.

"Finally, our deepest fear of all... we will need to live from it. To admit we do have a new heart and a glory from God, to begin to let it unveiled and embrace it as true - that means the next thing God will do is ask us to live from it.  Come out of the boat. Take the throne. Be what he meant us to be"
- John Eldredge in Waking the Dead