REGRETS

Much of my adult life has been lived with regret. Constantly looking back at my choices, wondering if I made correct decisions and feeling unsure of myself. Throughout junior high, high school, college, and up until now I have struggled finding confidence in my decisions. Doubt has been a constant and I have hated this life of insecurity. It has been a cancer that has plagued my mind and my outlook. Things like courage and strength have been difficult for me to take hold of and embrace, and I have envied other people who exude unwaivering confidence. For so long I have wanted to be person who lives without fear and without hesitation. I have wanted to be someone bolder, better and smarter; someone that others would respect. But looking to others for validation comes with mixed reviews; while some people have said that I am smart, others have told me that I am worthless. Many voices and many opinions abound. Where is the truth? Where can I find meaning and understand in a life filled with regret, doubt and insecurities?

What is it that separates those with confidence from those with doubt? Those with strength from those with weakness? Those with freedom from those with burdens? Where is the line that shows the difference between those on each side of the fence, and what is IT that makes us so different from one another? Some are stronger, smarter, richer, and better than others. And why does it matter who is better. For me, my struggle has centered around being ashamed of myself and my lack of confidence. I have lived much of my life with the goal of trying to undue my personality and my doubts as though there was something inherently wrong with who I am at the core.

I have always feared the critic; their judgment and intimidation. I have feared the arrogance of others and the high esteem they hold for themselves. These people have shamed me and made me feel more than stupid on many occasions. Nothing is worse than feeling worthless and having someone tell you it's true. These fears are the fear of an opinion and of a person. My regrets have been tied to what others think, but I am learning that my worth, my person, and my life should not be dictated by another. Nor should it be dictated by my own opinion of myself. Selfish arrogance is no better than living in fear and doubt. Both outlooks miss the true mark of who we really are.

True life is not measured in better versus worse. It is not balanced by a majority opinion and a popular vote. All things are measured by a much higher perspective and value. Our value does not come from opinion. Our truest value can only be found in God. His value for us all is even, the rich, the poor, the strong, the weak, the normal, the addict, and the "christian" and the "sinner" (we all are sinners). God's perspective of us all is beyond human thinking. God can do what we cannot. In God's eye's we are not measured according to wealth, knowledge, and strength. Rather we are measured by the character of our hearts. Do we carry a heart that is in love with Jesus Christ as our Saviour. Is our heart one that serves, sacrifices for the good, gives to those in need? Does it forgive, hope and pray? At the end of the day, I will not allow the value of my life to be measured by regrets, doubts, and screw-ups. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to work with arrogant men. I will continue to have fears and doubts. But at the end of the day, I am a man that has found a new life, a life of forgiveness, freedom, and true value.

Love and Life

Does unconditional love exist and if so, what does it look like? Do we see or can we fathom a love without boundaries and that will sacrifice itself for the sake of another? Do we know a love that forgives without memory of the fault? Do we know of a love that will pick us back up after each and every mistake we make? Do we know a love that seeks our best knowing the person we really are? This is a love that goes beyond our expectations and farther than we can hope for, and it never tires of giving. It is a love that we cannot understand and cannot measure. It is beyond logic. It is above pride, arrogance, and the self. This kind of love continues to remain a mystery tied up in being freely given but never earned. It is a love that bears with hatred, pain, suffering, and evil, and continues to love back? I believe we have all seen glimpses of this love in the generosity of others, in a kind face that looks past our shortcomings, and in the connection of being with old friends.

This love is the very thing that will free our hearts and our soul when we find it. It is something beyond the love of another person because humans fail each other. That is not to say that we should cease all attempts at loving each other. But rather, unconditional love is something that we all want to know. We want to know complete acceptance, security, and freedom. We all want to know that we are safe and free from harm. We want to be known, and to be free from the boundaries of wrongful expectations, prejudices, judgments, criticism, and shame. We want peace and confidence in knowing what it means to have hope and future. We want relief from the searching, the pain, the doubts, and the fears. Life is pain and emptiness without love and unfortunately, human love cannot fill the void of knowing a love without conditions. There must be a higher source for a love that is pure and holy, a love without constraints and hesitations.

All good things in this life stem from and come about because of love. But unconditional love, the truest of all loves, only comes from one source, God the giver of life. God's love has no bounds and cannot be replaced by anything on this earth. This love is able to free us from the struggle of this life. The love of God is the only true love that we can know. It releases us from past sins, past mistakes, and past faults and makes us new. My hope, my aim, is to find and to know this love in my life. That I may be known for how I have shared the love of God. May my love be as unconditional as I am can make it to those who have only known the rules of Christianity. May the love of my God be big enough to handle the doubts, the hurts, and the regrets of those burned by love. May my life be able to demonstrate a life and heart changed by the love of God.