Much of my adult life has been lived with regret. Constantly looking back at my choices, wondering if I made correct decisions and feeling unsure of myself. Throughout junior high, high school, college, and up until now I have struggled finding confidence in my decisions. Doubt has been a constant and I have hated this life of insecurity. It has been a cancer that has plagued my mind and my outlook. Things like courage and strength have been difficult for me to take hold of and embrace, and I have envied other people who exude unwaivering confidence. For so long I have wanted to be person who lives without fear and without hesitation. I have wanted to be someone bolder, better and smarter; someone that others would respect. But looking to others for validation comes with mixed reviews; while some people have said that I am smart, others have told me that I am worthless. Many voices and many opinions abound. Where is the truth? Where can I find meaning and understand in a life filled with regret, doubt and insecurities?
What is it that separates those with confidence from those with doubt? Those with strength from those with weakness? Those with freedom from those with burdens? Where is the line that shows the difference between those on each side of the fence, and what is IT that makes us so different from one another? Some are stronger, smarter, richer, and better than others. And why does it matter who is better. For me, my struggle has centered around being ashamed of myself and my lack of confidence. I have lived much of my life with the goal of trying to undue my personality and my doubts as though there was something inherently wrong with who I am at the core.
I have always feared the critic; their judgment and intimidation. I have feared the arrogance of others and the high esteem they hold for themselves. These people have shamed me and made me feel more than stupid on many occasions. Nothing is worse than feeling worthless and having someone tell you it's true. These fears are the fear of an opinion and of a person. My regrets have been tied to what others think, but I am learning that my worth, my person, and my life should not be dictated by another. Nor should it be dictated by my own opinion of myself. Selfish arrogance is no better than living in fear and doubt. Both outlooks miss the true mark of who we really are.
True life is not measured in better versus worse. It is not balanced by a majority opinion and a popular vote. All things are measured by a much higher perspective and value. Our value does not come from opinion. Our truest value can only be found in God. His value for us all is even, the rich, the poor, the strong, the weak, the normal, the addict, and the "christian" and the "sinner" (we all are sinners). God's perspective of us all is beyond human thinking. God can do what we cannot. In God's eye's we are not measured according to wealth, knowledge, and strength. Rather we are measured by the character of our hearts. Do we carry a heart that is in love with Jesus Christ as our Saviour. Is our heart one that serves, sacrifices for the good, gives to those in need? Does it forgive, hope and pray? At the end of the day, I will not allow the value of my life to be measured by regrets, doubts, and screw-ups. I will continue to make mistakes. I will continue to work with arrogant men. I will continue to have fears and doubts. But at the end of the day, I am a man that has found a new life, a life of forgiveness, freedom, and true value.
4 comments:
The difference: Those with confidence still doubt, they just don't dwell on it.
For what is the reason to worry about something you can't control.
The confident person changes this thought. Instead of worry, it becomes a challenge on how to get through. Then it becomes a game or work. A task to check off the list.
Even us slackers want someone to say, "well done." We have just learned that there are more thing in life to do half-assed and live well then to do everything 100%.
great, courageous, and authentic thoughts aaron.
I get a kick out of people who are "confident" outwardly because I know inside they're in turmoil a lot of the time. Confidence is a coping mechanism, just like emotional dependence, alcohol or drug addiction.
I think ultimately we all have the same goal, to cope with being human.
I just happened on your blog and relate a lot to what you are saying. This quote is one of my favorite, don't know if it really hits the mark or not. :)
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Quote by Williamson
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