Finding Mission

Lately I've been consumed by the way of life. The everyday flow of things. The moments we have, the interactions, the conversations, the time we spend. I am looking at how we live, the way I we are, the income, the lifestyle, the leisure, the activities, the busywork, and the comforts around us, and I feel a bit lost in it all. How about how I do life? As a follower of Christ I am torn over how to live out a life of service for Christ in contrast to these things. I know that the call is to love others as Christ would love them, but I find myself caught in the sludge of life's wants and needs. And to some degree, these things feel only self-serving. How is it that I live with almost every comfort of life at my disposal and people go hungry, are oppressed, and live in poverty and sickness? Or, how is it that I have been given so much yet seem incapable of bringing some kind of dramatic or significant change to those in need? How is it that I have time with family, freinds, and complete strangers, yet it seems difficult to bridge a gap where I can impact their lives in a real and tangible way. Deep down, my desire is to have conversations that will change them, stimulate their mind, open their eyes to something new, or at least cause them to think about what really matters. And I wish I was capable of giving more time, money, and energy as an advocate of those in need. When I think about Jesus, his life and his ministry, I am embarassed of myself. Here I am, at 30 years, and still searching for my purpose, place, mission, and vision. When I look back, it is hard not to feel that I have somehow wasted so many opportunities to do more.  I look around my life and can see physical worth, a house and things in it, cars in my driveway, a retirement account, and hopes for a more secure future. And the questions in my head roll on to: if only I made a little more money, if only I had a bigger savings, if only I had this, or that. Then things would be better. I've measured much of my life in the tangibles, the physical successes and  accomplishments I've made. But the kicker is that when I take account of the things that really matter in this life, I seem to come up short on what I have done. I am short on the things I am supposed to be offering to this life; to the things of God. I find myself at a loss with what I've been able to produce, in terms of how I lived for Christ. My side of the scale is light when I begin weighing in with the things God really values.

So, for whatever reason, these are the thoughts at hand. They are paradoxes that I cannot resolve and my best strategy for now is to continue seeking understanding and to listen to the empty spaces in my life. Only God can fill the voids. And prayer is still an voice that beckons me. I don't fully understand it but silence and free time scare me and right now all I can I hear is a voice telling me to wait. His truth is timeless and unending, but I still struggle to understand how his desires fit with where I am at in life. How does my busyness and the everyday become service and mission for God's purposes? Or more importantly how do my free time and quite time become my mission? For now I don't entirely know, but one day I hope to see more clearly than I do now.