Christmas

The Christmas season always hits me with a mixture of emotions. This is a time filled with joy, laughter, and celebration, but is also filled with feelings of sorrow and regret. For me, this year is no exception as I find myself torn between two worlds, one of celebration and one of sadness.

There is something in the crisp winter air that floods me with a mixture of memories and emotions. I am taken back to the Christmas's of my youth, spent as a kid on the Northern California coast when all my family was together and my youngest aunt was still alive. I am taken back to my years growing up in the small town of Susanville, Ca, spent with my parents and sister opening presents on Christmas eve. I am taken back to learning about the death of my aunt and the tragedy of losing her far too early in her life. I am taken back to New York City and getting to experience Long Island with all of the lights and decorations and snow. Seeing that city from the Empire State building is very overwhelming. I am taken back to my college days and taking part in "Urban Plunge" where I spent my first week of Christmas break living on the streets of Seattle as a homeless student. Taking in a small view of homelessness from those who actually live on the streets was humbling and life changing for me and the two girls on my team. That experience is one I will never forget. And it would only be about 3 years later, just after the new year, that I learned one of those girls was struck by a car and taken to be with the Lord, while on her way to work. She was a recent college graduate and had just been married. She was another, taken far far too early in her life and I am grateful to have been her friend. I am taken back to spending 3 days of Christmas break to go visit a grandfather I barely knew. It was a growing time hearing his stories and seeing his picture and I tried to understand my heritage, where I had come from, and the man my dad had always talked about. It was a trip where I found part of myself and I saw myself in a man I barely knew. And though we didn't have a lot to say to each other I was grateful to get time with someone I had admired my whole life but who had been separated from me through divorce.

I am also taken back to a time when my wife and I met up in Lake Tahoe, just as friends. It was a wonderful and exciting time getting to know my wife, her sister (and her retarded boyfriend), her brother, and getting time on the slopes. We would be engaged a year later when I flew down to surprise her at the Marin headlands to propose. Two years later, we would be moving from Seattle to Orange County with no jobs or place to live, and with all of our stuff being hauled down south on in the back of a tractor trailer. What a crazy time of risk, adventure, and the unknown. In fact, on the morning we were leaving Seattle, our car freaked out and the alarm went crazy and we had to tow it to a auto shop and get it fixed. That mechanic was a godsend. It was a season of starting over, getting time with my wife's side of family, and putting up with her crazy uncle who believes himself to be a real life "king". I have yet to find his kingdom. Three years after that we would be moving to Fresno, a baby on the way, I would be starting a new career, and we both would be starting all over again. Last Christmas, we got to host both sets of our family in our house with our new baby girl. And this Christmas, we are still in Fresno, and my wife is pregnant again and we hopefully will have many more Christmases to come.

Christmas seems to have both a sense of magic and deceit. It is a time of wonder and anticipation where we seek out our families, share gifts, food and stories. However, in the midst of the fun are glimpses of things lost. I cannot smell the winter air or look at the Christmas lights without being reminded of the loss of loved ones and of those who who have lost much. I am reminded this year of the real Christmas story; it is a story of hope, love, and sorrow. It is overwhelming, to think that we all share in the gift of Jesus Christ as a child who was sent to redeem us all. As a father, I cannot imagine giving up or letting go of my baby girl to anyone or anything for any reason. It would destroy me to think about letting her go. I think that it is too big for me to understand the sorrow and pain that God bore in giving up his son to a dark and ruthless world as the ultimate gift. God's love is greater that I can imagine. And the challenge is to do as Christ commanded, to love as Christ loved. This season, I hope to love the homeless, the broken, the elderly, and those who need the love of Christ.

This Christmas, I hope the meaning and reflection of the true Christmas season is not lost nor forgotten.